7
Dec

Am I insane? If so, how can I get help?

Posted by Admin in Wednesday, December 7th 2011 5 comments already

I don’t want to go to a psychologist in real life. This is mostly due to the social stigma and the nature of medical records, as I could quite easily afford to go if I were so inclined. The psychologist my parents made me go to when I was 15 tried to put me on Prozac after the first meeting. I refused to say a word to him the entire time I was there, mostly due to the presence of my father. I resented that he was doing my talking for me and that the psychiatrist wasn’t making any attempt to allow me to speak for myself.

I’m 25 and work as a software developer, with a master’s degree in computer science. For most of my life, I’ve had difficulty dealing with other people. I’m not close with my brother, even though we’re almost exactly alike. I feel like I can’t understand my brother even though I want to. I feel as if my father resented me growing up, and he once told me that my birth was a mistake. When he was drunk he blamed his divorce on me and told me that I had chased away my mother with my abusive behavior. My parents later got back together. To be fair, I’ve been very unkind to my mother in the past. Her overbearing and intensely and inadvertently critical nature have made me overreact to a lot of her actions and words. I regret this. In school I wasn’t very popular mostly due to a complete lack of social skills and the fact that I hadn’t been allowed to have friends until I was around 11 or 12. I was beaten up in school and made fun of on a fairly regular basis. During this time I developed an intense resentment of authority that is probably typical of the teenage years. I became a hermit of sorts in college. I went out mostly at night, except for classes, and went on walks. I had almost literally no friends and retreated into the sordid world of internet porn and online gaming. I made a point of not socializing. My misadventures with the Internet began when I was 13 and used Yahoo! Chat. Later this turned into an addiction to the Yahoo! News message boards until they closed in 2006. The summer after I graduated, I made some friends through an extremely sociable, yet very mad man I met at the beginning of the summer. I suspected he was bipolar, and he told me that was correct.

Do I just lack social skills, or am I nuts? I mean, I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to have some close friends, eventually get married and have kids and grow old in a nursing home while my mind rots and I watch MacGyver reruns.

under: Online Degrees Tags: help, insane

5 Comments Already

Imperator Said,

December 7th, 2011 @3:30 am

The things you’ve described sound nothing like insanity! You’ve obviously been through some really tough crap and are having to deal with both the emotional pressures of your parents as well as your own guilt. I think these are normal reactions, though, and the fact that your understanding of your own responsibility for the ways you’ve acted are pretty healthy. You haven’t in this particular question said anything about having hurt anyone, so I’m not sure why you’re so filled with worry that you would. Social interaction is tough for a lot of people, and not to be glib, but there seems to be a higher population of socially disinclined people amongst software developers than is representative of the general population. The only real solution to your problem is to actually connect with some people. You said that in the past, you’ve made a point to be unsocial, and you’re obviously intelligent enough to know that now you must make a point to be social instead. This doesn’t mean you have to go to bars or party or other such behaviors that you might not enjoy or relate to. I, myself, have never been able to relax in an atmosphere like that. However, it might be easier if you were to think of something you like to do and find others who like that, too?
If your question here is accurately descriptive, you’re nowhere near crazy. At worst, there are a few social kinks to work out of your system and a few issues to deal with at home- whether you actually deal with them with your family or just figure out how to live with them emotionally. I see absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t end up with a nice wife and in that nursing home you aspire to.

Lauretha Said,

December 7th, 2011 @4:09 am

Interesting biography. I would have to say that you have had a tough childhood and as result you lack the appropriate social skills to adapt to a social environment. I would not say you are insane but then again I do not know you well enough to make an accurate decision nor am I a psychiatrist who can diagnose you as clinically insane. I would say that if you desire to get married and have kids and lead a normal life you have a long road of hard work ahead of you. First off you must try to shed your past somehow by learning from it and trying to cope with the fact that you have had a bad childhood. This happens to a lot of people and you must understand that learning from this can only make you stronger. best of luck.

Mister Dream Master Said,

December 7th, 2011 @4:28 am

You are not insane. you are just a little bit hyper-active. When someone tries to smother you with adoration, you back out with resentment then you complain that no one loves you.

All of the things that have happened in your life has shaped you into the person you are today. sure, it would have been better if you came from a loving family right from the start but then, would you be a software developer or a waiter at the local MacDonalds?

Some people are strong enough to carry their own burdens and there are the others that let it pull them into oblivion. you are one of the strong ones, even if you do not realise it. Though you had some nightly adventures, you still made the conscientious effort to attend class.

I admire you for your fortitude but am saddened by your loveless family and upbringing. I know that you want to forgive yourself and others but it will take some time before you can do this fully and mean it as well.

Our regrets are what makes us grow stronger but are also the things that makes us sob into our pillows at night.

do your work. make something of yourself, and when you are ready to forgive yourself for your childhood behaviour, then you will be ready to forgive others for their torment. It is a hard road to travel so it might take a few decades to get there.

CM Hills Said,

December 7th, 2011 @4:41 am

Well, first off, you aren’t insane. You’ve just had a tough run of things, and admittedly, haven’t dealt with it in the best ways possible (but really, who ever deals with anything in the best way?). You have very reasonable expectations and goals, and the fact that you’ve even got those in encouraging. The psychologist you went to before probably bought his Ph.D on eBay, so don’t worry about him.

Here’s what I’m going to do. First, I’ll level with you, then, I’ll give you my thoughts. Here’s the leveling. I’m not a psychologist, but a psychology student. I also happen to have my fair share of experience dealing with rough family/friend situations. That’s where my expertise ends, so take my word for what you will.

As for my two cents, I say keep at it. I don’t know if you still have those friends from after graduation; if so, great, if not, great. My advice to you is to get involved with groups of other slightly socially awkward people (they’re out there, I promise), and see what happens. You gotta take the risk and get out there, to some extent. This might sound hokey, but I’d recommend going to church, whether you’re religious or not. Often times, churches (good ones) will have three support groups for everything under the sun, and one of them will have just the group of people you need. The only reason I recommend church is that it’s the only social gathering I can think of that comes with a 100% guaranteed accepting pretext (again, the good ones).

Aside from that, you really just have to stick your neck out a bit. From what I can tell, you seem like a pretty smart guy with no obvious flaws (you can spell, and use grammar, more than most interneters), so I’d use that to your advantage.

Go get ‘em.

Cant think of names ;) Said,

December 7th, 2011 @5:07 am

I know exactly how you feel, but listen here, its more that a lack of social interaction has had a large Impact on you than that that is the reason you do not have friends. But you’re thinking too negatively, like with adding the nursing home part to the end of this, if that’s regular thinking then that is not good. I know habits can be hard to change, more so with social interaction because there’s a feeling that its your own fault, which is not always completely true. you do need to try though, like join a group for a hobby or something, find a way to met new people, call old people up, and here’s another thing. About your parents, I’ve felt mine influencing my life a lot, like in my journal I was writing negative comments about myself and realized I was using their wording, not mine, and i killed me to see their impact go that far, so mainly just make sure you’re thinking in a way that you want to with a view that doesn’t hurt you. And another thing, you also said that you don’t want to hurt anyone; well, I tend to think that way as well to and have a very difficult time when convincing myself something is not completely my fault-so unless you’re talking about hurting someone physically, just trust that they can take care of themselves and realize that that’s what they are responsible for, not you, and try not to internalize feelings of having done something wrong when its other people as well. I hope this helps. And mainly, for you, I think the hardest thing might be leaving the past behind, you don’t need to, but its my recommendation from personal experience that you try moving a a forward direction to make positive memories.

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