Seriously, anything I aim for, I just get the crippling sense that I’m crap. The goals I set which really stretch me, have been achieved and more by loads of people.
E.g. do exceptionally in A levels. Taking a huge number has been covered.There are many people online who have taken 8-10 proper academic subjects at A level, and got As in all of them. A boy in the news (who now studies computer science at cambridge) got 21 As, a B and a C at A level (though admittedly his combination of subjects was a joke, with many soft options and overlap between subjects/doing the same subject twice to get an extra A level). Getting exceptional marks has been covered. Full marks have been achieved in most subjects every year, pretty much.

Another goal: excel in music. I have no creative spark, and no matter how long I sit with a guitar trying to come up with something, or on music software on my computer which is capable of producing music, I just get nothing. I listen to my favourite bands in awe, and know I’ll never achieve anything, musically, which is as great. I’m in late teens now, and recently decided to aim to get to grade 8 in two instruments, from scratch. For those of you who don’t know, this is a big aim for any average guy. It takes a normal person about 6-7 years at least to get to this standard in one instrument, if they don’t push it too hard, but keep lessons going and practise regularly.I started lessons and was working hard. I still am working, but I couldn’t help being put off when I went online and found somebody a year younger than me with grade 8 in the two instruments I’m interested in, and grade 7 in another two.

Or, at the beginning of this year, when I set myself the aim to do well in a maths competition, hopefully get to the third round (called BMO2) and see how I did when I got there. Now, this isn’t easy, I can tell you. Even with very high intelligence, it will require intensive study. For somebody who’s average, the workload required is ridiculous And I’m talking intensive, more than anything you’d ever have to do for an A level, GCSE or anything like that. In case you’re wondering, I failed the first round, and that round is considered a bit of a joke in comparison to the later ones. I then find articles about kids who achieved full marks in that round, others who achieved full marks in the harder later rounds. Others who, in round 4 which is impossible, when the recommended age is 17-18, achieved a gold medal at the age of 13, got their degree by 16-17 etc. Also, I stumbled across something about one boy in england who got to round 4 (which only 4-6 people out of thousands in Britain get through to) in maths olympiad, chemistry olympiad, physics olympiad, informatics olympiad and possibly others, sometimes below the recommended age. TO remind you, my big aim was to get to round 3 in just the maths olympiad, and I failed at first hurdle. I was expecting that if I got to round three, I’d just fail it and get zero percent.

You might say, well…you’ll get achieve all yoru goals as a combination, these people are only doing one of the things you want to better than you. But even that doesn’t work. There are individuals who are better than me at everything I strive to be good at, and more. One boy I know is pretty down to earth with normal friends, and has grade 8 in two instruments, grade 6 in another, got to round three this year in the maths olympiad (was knocked out narrowly there), excels in sport, got onto the uni course I really wanted to do, has a part time job (I’ve never managed no matter how much I apply), and doesn’t seem to be lacking in any way.

It just renders what I aim for meaningless. Before I had the internet, I was happy enough just plodding along aiming for my goals, but the internet has shown me how crap they really are. My big achievement about two years ago was straight class prizes for getting the highest marks in all my subjects, but that was complete crap, since my school doesn’t have anyone who’s that bright, and GCSEs are a joke.